FRIDAY IS CHRISTMAS DECORATION DAY!!!!
Emanuel and I will be christmas decorating at my house. I don't have the large bank account I wish I did for this endeavor but, I know it will be SO FUN. Emanuel and I will begin by picking a tree and lights and CHRISTMAS BALLS!!!!! and LIGHTS and FUN and COCOA!!!! SO FUN! I love christmas! I cant possibly be more excited. Emanuel's mom appafrently has a house full of christmas decorations and I am quite possibly meeting her soon and I think I am most excited about his house decorations!!!!! (well I am a little nervous) I am so excited about Emanuels present too. He already figured out what I was getting him. By "figured out", I mean I flat out told him. I am really excited for him! I am more excited about the other stuff I am getting him which he has no idea about :) YAY CHRISTMAS. This will be a good christmas.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Chi Wong's Wisdom
"People facing death don't think about what degrees they have earned, what positions they have held, or how much wealth they have accumulated. At the end, what really matters is whom you love and who loved you."
- Bernadine Healy, MD
Anyone who knows CHI WONG is special. I dont know why I feel like writting about CHI but, I do! The quote above is a CHI WONG quote. CHI WONG is a Tai Chi master, dvorak typing, rod stewart loving, HALO frequenting, tango dancing, palm reading, pompus, stubborn anti-authority, know it all chinese prodigy.
Sums him up?
Little CHI. Your chinese eyes stare at me while I am at my desk. I once thought you were a serial killer because your "name" is Ivan.
- Bernadine Healy, MD
Anyone who knows CHI WONG is special. I dont know why I feel like writting about CHI but, I do! The quote above is a CHI WONG quote. CHI WONG is a Tai Chi master, dvorak typing, rod stewart loving, HALO frequenting, tango dancing, palm reading, pompus, stubborn anti-authority, know it all chinese prodigy.
Sums him up?
Little CHI. Your chinese eyes stare at me while I am at my desk. I once thought you were a serial killer because your "name" is Ivan.
Monday, November 24, 2008
My Emanuel
Emanuel.
lol. Makes me laugh every time I say it. Such a sweet, stubborn, sexy man. We met in a VERY twisted, weird way. Something they could write the beginning of a movie on. REALLY funny. I was filled with pure B.S. by a "friend" right off the bat. the things she said about him piss me off and I KNOW piss him off even more. Generally, when you meet someone its so easy to be with them in the beginning. SO EASY, usually. It's that love at first sight-can't get enough-I WANT YOU EVERYDAY- type of deal. Emanuel was VERY DIFFERENT. VERY VERY different. He had alot of history, history that had nothing to do with me. He had things in his life that really didn't make much room for a ME. I, OBVIOUSLY knew none of this nor did he tell me. Why should he?EMANUEL made it VERY hard for me in the beginning. He knew what he wanted and he told me EVERY TIME HE COULD. Normally, I would think anyone else would have seen that he didn't want much, although he liked me ( i know he did) he was interested in other things. A girlfriend, especially one like me wasn't at the top of the list. Again, I knew NONE of this. I can say he never led me on. (well a little) But, it wasn't something he didnt have complete control of. He's smart with his way (I'm smarter with mine lol.). In the beginning, as I was learning about him and learning from him there were things that threw me way off. We didnt initially spend alot of time together. He always told me, THATS THE WAY IT IS (bullshit). He was stuuubbooorrrrnn... I think that alot of it was him keeping me at a safe distance. VERY safe for him. He had alot on his life, who knows what I would be to him at that time, if anything. One thing I learned about EMANUEL that might explain alot of the beginning angst is that he has a sorted history with alot of people. mainly, past relationships. Not your run of the mill NORMAL relationships where you meet someone-date them, Love them, doesn't work out move on. No he has a YEARS long history. (always worries me where I fit in) So when he met me. FRESH-never knew me before, he didn't take it seriously. I was always good to him. Always am. its funny what a place he has. He has SUCH a huge heart to those he lest see it. HUGE. He cares so much about his friends. He can be a little selfish and impatient but, like I said before that's him and as he has ALWAYStold me. You take me as I am. If I could say the same thing to half the people I come in contact with i'd probably feel alot better about alot of things. I always feel responsible for upsetting people or doing things for others. That's a lesson you can learn from my Emanuel. It's funny. You read this and you say to your self, What did you see in sticking around, why did you stay if his mind was everywhere else? He has since told me that I was a chance he took (thankfully it worked out)
I didn't know ANY OF IT, I always thought it was just HIM. All that I was going through with his was just HIM.(it wasn't) I thought maybe it wont "happen". To Emanuel you have to be REALLY special to REALLY know him. Thank god I do. Hes truly amazing. He makes me laugh and loves me (finally) like I do him. He made it so hard to get to know him. I just knew with all the people he surrounded himself with who ABSOLUTELY love him. There's a reason why they would take a bullet for him. I know why. Theres no DOUBT why its so easy to love him. It took him sometime to know, I was ok. He has a HUGE support of love around him. I saw that RIGHT AWAY. So easy to see why, you just have to be patient. VERY VERY patient. He's such a good guy. I can't possibly do that heart of his any justice in words. I knew all along he would fall for me. Its not hard. I am Pretty AWESOME myself! lol.
He started to cave for me in October ( I met him in June). He had things get a little complicated and I was there for him NO QUESTION. There won't ever be a question as to why, when and how I will be there for him (as long as he is there for me as now he has been) . He made his mistakes with me, he did. He knows it. I know it. We move on. It stings but, we move on because like he said and I said. That was then, this is now. Plus, he knows- Nicole KNOWS ALL ALWAYS :) lol.
Now, after ALL THAT. It's so good. He does things from time to time, I want to ring his neck. LITERALLY but, he knows he has a good thing in me and I in him. He doesnt have to EVER change who he is, I accept him and because of that I think he makes ALLOWANCES in what he does or how he does them (he doesnt change but, he tries, for me to do things just a little different and that works, REALLY well).
It feels like doing things backwards-like we did, may work to our benefit in the end. I know I see him EVERYDAY. It's funny, I can't wait to get to him today and eat yesterdays left over sushi! I want to make a mess of paint too then fall asleep in his bed while he plays wow! (lame I know but, I wouldn't have it any other way)
I was in the car and he asked me a question... See if you can figure it out by my answer.
I do because of everything you are in everyway you can be. You're amazing.
Love you Emanuel.
lol. Makes me laugh every time I say it. Such a sweet, stubborn, sexy man. We met in a VERY twisted, weird way. Something they could write the beginning of a movie on. REALLY funny. I was filled with pure B.S. by a "friend" right off the bat. the things she said about him piss me off and I KNOW piss him off even more. Generally, when you meet someone its so easy to be with them in the beginning. SO EASY, usually. It's that love at first sight-can't get enough-I WANT YOU EVERYDAY- type of deal. Emanuel was VERY DIFFERENT. VERY VERY different. He had alot of history, history that had nothing to do with me. He had things in his life that really didn't make much room for a ME. I, OBVIOUSLY knew none of this nor did he tell me. Why should he?EMANUEL made it VERY hard for me in the beginning. He knew what he wanted and he told me EVERY TIME HE COULD. Normally, I would think anyone else would have seen that he didn't want much, although he liked me ( i know he did) he was interested in other things. A girlfriend, especially one like me wasn't at the top of the list. Again, I knew NONE of this. I can say he never led me on. (well a little) But, it wasn't something he didnt have complete control of. He's smart with his way (I'm smarter with mine lol.). In the beginning, as I was learning about him and learning from him there were things that threw me way off. We didnt initially spend alot of time together. He always told me, THATS THE WAY IT IS (bullshit). He was stuuubbooorrrrnn... I think that alot of it was him keeping me at a safe distance. VERY safe for him. He had alot on his life, who knows what I would be to him at that time, if anything. One thing I learned about EMANUEL that might explain alot of the beginning angst is that he has a sorted history with alot of people. mainly, past relationships. Not your run of the mill NORMAL relationships where you meet someone-date them, Love them, doesn't work out move on. No he has a YEARS long history. (always worries me where I fit in) So when he met me. FRESH-never knew me before, he didn't take it seriously. I was always good to him. Always am. its funny what a place he has. He has SUCH a huge heart to those he lest see it. HUGE. He cares so much about his friends. He can be a little selfish and impatient but, like I said before that's him and as he has ALWAYStold me. You take me as I am. If I could say the same thing to half the people I come in contact with i'd probably feel alot better about alot of things. I always feel responsible for upsetting people or doing things for others. That's a lesson you can learn from my Emanuel. It's funny. You read this and you say to your self, What did you see in sticking around, why did you stay if his mind was everywhere else? He has since told me that I was a chance he took (thankfully it worked out)
I didn't know ANY OF IT, I always thought it was just HIM. All that I was going through with his was just HIM.(it wasn't) I thought maybe it wont "happen". To Emanuel you have to be REALLY special to REALLY know him. Thank god I do. Hes truly amazing. He makes me laugh and loves me (finally) like I do him. He made it so hard to get to know him. I just knew with all the people he surrounded himself with who ABSOLUTELY love him. There's a reason why they would take a bullet for him. I know why. Theres no DOUBT why its so easy to love him. It took him sometime to know, I was ok. He has a HUGE support of love around him. I saw that RIGHT AWAY. So easy to see why, you just have to be patient. VERY VERY patient. He's such a good guy. I can't possibly do that heart of his any justice in words. I knew all along he would fall for me. Its not hard. I am Pretty AWESOME myself! lol.
He started to cave for me in October ( I met him in June). He had things get a little complicated and I was there for him NO QUESTION. There won't ever be a question as to why, when and how I will be there for him (as long as he is there for me as now he has been) . He made his mistakes with me, he did. He knows it. I know it. We move on. It stings but, we move on because like he said and I said. That was then, this is now. Plus, he knows- Nicole KNOWS ALL ALWAYS :) lol.
Now, after ALL THAT. It's so good. He does things from time to time, I want to ring his neck. LITERALLY but, he knows he has a good thing in me and I in him. He doesnt have to EVER change who he is, I accept him and because of that I think he makes ALLOWANCES in what he does or how he does them (he doesnt change but, he tries, for me to do things just a little different and that works, REALLY well).
It feels like doing things backwards-like we did, may work to our benefit in the end. I know I see him EVERYDAY. It's funny, I can't wait to get to him today and eat yesterdays left over sushi! I want to make a mess of paint too then fall asleep in his bed while he plays wow! (lame I know but, I wouldn't have it any other way)
I was in the car and he asked me a question... See if you can figure it out by my answer.
I do because of everything you are in everyway you can be. You're amazing.
Love you Emanuel.
Enchanted FORRREEESSSTTTT
Good Morning!
8:30am. Director's meeting. You know I have never been around a more unmotivating individual in my life. I won't even give the individual a pseudo-name (is that a word) a name or elude to who I am talking about but, if you work here then you know.
So my weekend was pretty fun, minus a one VERY frustrating incident. Well, TWO. Friday night I spent with my friend soul mate, Adriana. A better person in my life at the moment couldn't exist. I told her this weekend that whenever I go through times like I am. I always seem to be very blessed with people, friends. Shes MOST certainly one of them. She is leaving soon but, I wont even think about it till she does because I know, I wont be the same. I will write a million page blog for the day that happens too.
Well, back to the weekend. So I spent the day/night with Adriana. We went to Merrick Park and walked along the beautiful white Christmas Tree with all the HUGE expensive decorations. I love that mall. If I could have all the money in the world to just go in every store and buy every shoe/skirt/jacket/boot that I saw! I want all of Jimmy's CHOO'S! anyways-we had dinner at some Italian place-randomly. That was WAY TO EXPENSIVE but, I got to try a Bellini! I know-how have I never had one! Ate risotto and went home, Uneventful but, fun. I haven't really wanted to do much lately- I have A LOT on my mind A LOT of decisions to make-HARD decisions. Anyways so I woke up Saturday morning and went to the boyfriend. For his sake I am going to give him a fake name. He may eventually read this and KILL me for using his name. Lets call him EMANUEL. I want to give him a really cheesy name that I know he would hate. :)
Anyway, I woke up, by his call and ran over there with my mickey mouse pancake maker and sausage links and went to town! I dont think they went over well with his son (Emanuel Jr.) but, at least Emanuel Sr. liked them! We spent the day there-took a nap instead of going to Monkey Jungle - I could kill Emanuel Sr. for his reasoning. KILL HIM. If I would have known why, I would NEVER have let him stay behind. Anyway, Saturday night came around..... I left the men behind and went with ADRI to santa's enchanted forest. So much more enchanted when your a kid and you cant REALLY notice whats going on around you. Very interesting characters. First of all I have to comment on the 12 and 13 year olds in couples and RELATIONSHIPS! Making out, groping eachother-No parents. Apparently, this is the norm. I am trying to think back when I was that age and I guess, I never saw how weird it was to be so young and in these "relationships". Well I then discovered Santa's takes no Credit Cards. Zero. So Adri had to pay with her cash for food and treats! We got out faces painted, ATE-Corn, Elephant Ear (split between the two of us), AWESOME lemonade! Chocolate covered bananas that fell on the floor (thank god, cause they were horrible) We rode on the haunted house ride (screaming the whole time, super serious). Stood in line waiting for the "doom drop" which we RAN out of that line at the sight of the carni with the wrench "fixing the ride" WHILE there were people STILL ON IT!!!!!!
Finally, our night concluded at a small roller coaster that we were CONVINCED would break because well, lets face it. We aren't 90lb 13 year olds. We came home and watched "Penelope" :) Really cute. I have to say that I wasn't so happy at 3am for reasons that had nothing to do with ADRI and everything to do with my loving EMANUEL. He is who he is. I love him for that. That's all I can say. We are working out our kinks and I think he got why I was upset. I didn't care the situation, I cared about the delivery of the information. I don't want to go into detail, details don't matter. Emanuel picked up I was frustrated and was VERY sweet about it. He usually is.
Emanuel will be another post. lol. He deserves his own CATEGORY!!!
We woke up Sunday to a Sergio's Breakfast (Adri's Idea) and went to help my mom selling her jewelry. How FUCKING boring. Seriously. I have nothing to say about it.
Went to Emanuels after watched DEXTER as we usually do! SO GOOD! cant wait for tonight!
I also, honestly, can't wait to see him. He does make me VERY happy. Took me a while to get there. I think him too honestly. But, were good. Well be even better pretty soon.
8:30am. Director's meeting. You know I have never been around a more unmotivating individual in my life. I won't even give the individual a pseudo-name (is that a word) a name or elude to who I am talking about but, if you work here then you know.
So my weekend was pretty fun, minus a one VERY frustrating incident. Well, TWO. Friday night I spent with my friend soul mate, Adriana. A better person in my life at the moment couldn't exist. I told her this weekend that whenever I go through times like I am. I always seem to be very blessed with people, friends. Shes MOST certainly one of them. She is leaving soon but, I wont even think about it till she does because I know, I wont be the same. I will write a million page blog for the day that happens too.
Well, back to the weekend. So I spent the day/night with Adriana. We went to Merrick Park and walked along the beautiful white Christmas Tree with all the HUGE expensive decorations. I love that mall. If I could have all the money in the world to just go in every store and buy every shoe/skirt/jacket/boot that I saw! I want all of Jimmy's CHOO'S! anyways-we had dinner at some Italian place-randomly. That was WAY TO EXPENSIVE but, I got to try a Bellini! I know-how have I never had one! Ate risotto and went home, Uneventful but, fun. I haven't really wanted to do much lately- I have A LOT on my mind A LOT of decisions to make-HARD decisions. Anyways so I woke up Saturday morning and went to the boyfriend. For his sake I am going to give him a fake name. He may eventually read this and KILL me for using his name. Lets call him EMANUEL. I want to give him a really cheesy name that I know he would hate. :)
Anyway, I woke up, by his call and ran over there with my mickey mouse pancake maker and sausage links and went to town! I dont think they went over well with his son (Emanuel Jr.) but, at least Emanuel Sr. liked them! We spent the day there-took a nap instead of going to Monkey Jungle - I could kill Emanuel Sr. for his reasoning. KILL HIM. If I would have known why, I would NEVER have let him stay behind. Anyway, Saturday night came around..... I left the men behind and went with ADRI to santa's enchanted forest. So much more enchanted when your a kid and you cant REALLY notice whats going on around you. Very interesting characters. First of all I have to comment on the 12 and 13 year olds in couples and RELATIONSHIPS! Making out, groping eachother-No parents. Apparently, this is the norm. I am trying to think back when I was that age and I guess, I never saw how weird it was to be so young and in these "relationships". Well I then discovered Santa's takes no Credit Cards. Zero. So Adri had to pay with her cash for food and treats! We got out faces painted, ATE-Corn, Elephant Ear (split between the two of us), AWESOME lemonade! Chocolate covered bananas that fell on the floor (thank god, cause they were horrible) We rode on the haunted house ride (screaming the whole time, super serious). Stood in line waiting for the "doom drop" which we RAN out of that line at the sight of the carni with the wrench "fixing the ride" WHILE there were people STILL ON IT!!!!!!
Finally, our night concluded at a small roller coaster that we were CONVINCED would break because well, lets face it. We aren't 90lb 13 year olds. We came home and watched "Penelope" :) Really cute. I have to say that I wasn't so happy at 3am for reasons that had nothing to do with ADRI and everything to do with my loving EMANUEL. He is who he is. I love him for that. That's all I can say. We are working out our kinks and I think he got why I was upset. I didn't care the situation, I cared about the delivery of the information. I don't want to go into detail, details don't matter. Emanuel picked up I was frustrated and was VERY sweet about it. He usually is.
Emanuel will be another post. lol. He deserves his own CATEGORY!!!
We woke up Sunday to a Sergio's Breakfast (Adri's Idea) and went to help my mom selling her jewelry. How FUCKING boring. Seriously. I have nothing to say about it.
Went to Emanuels after watched DEXTER as we usually do! SO GOOD! cant wait for tonight!
I also, honestly, can't wait to see him. He does make me VERY happy. Took me a while to get there. I think him too honestly. But, were good. Well be even better pretty soon.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Hello world, are you ready?!?!
I have given in. Here I am. How do I begin? I feel like I am at a (virtual)AA meeting. Hi, I am nicole, I am NOT an alcoholic. I guess than it wouldn't really be an AA meeting it would be a BS meeting. Come read my B.S.
I assure you, while I am rather colorful human being. I am not that interesting. Well at least not to myself. I LIVE in my life. But, I can say that I know alot of people that would desperately want to read all about me and how I think. I for the most part like to keep alot of me locked up. For this reason, I am not showing this shit to anyone but, a few special specials who I feel can afford to read this and not judge/share with others. Let me start by saying I don't quite know when I decided to start finding myself. I think I spent like 98.999% of my young adulthood completely masking my true identity. I actually feel as if I was living someone elses life. So much bullshit! I am now 24. I think the path to self realization and self discovery started at literally 14 yrs old. I cant say that I knew EXACTLY what I was discovering but, I knew I was headed somewhere.
What a good place to start. Wow, this is easier than I thought. Wait, maybe its actually going to be alot harder. I feel a compulsion to write now. :::Cracks Fingers::: Here we go.....
I think it all REALLY started as a little girl... No, I'm kidding. I wont do that to you guys. But, ill give you the short and dirty. (juicier (is jucier a word. Juicier?) that way)
So, Quick breakdown and timeline
3yrs-parents divorced (Dont remember a damn thing about them but, that my mom told me that Papi would be staying at abuelitas) (oh, I'm Cuban)
7yrs- I Met Michael (stepfather) a man that will forever change my life in the coming years and I didn't even see it coming. A wonderful man that my mom was lucky enough to meet. The kind of love story that only exists between prince and princess frogs and mighty white steads! He came from Romania, Belgium, France, Israel and EVERYWHERE. Orthodox jew (my mom converted, of course, even though she came from a completely ROMAN CATHOLIC family and spent thrity years of her life as a devout catholic with caja china roast pork and Christmas trees and egg nog. I think Christmas was hard for her to give up. REALLY hard. Anyway, Back to mike. (I have ALOT to say about my mom, BELIEVE ME) so he came from these countries, with MONEY. Lot's and lot's of money. What is best of my stepfather was not that he came with money. As a child, I guess that mattered and I define "child" all the way to 20yrs old. What makes micheal so great is his heart. He QUICKLY became my dad. My silly foreign, loving dad. One of the most intellectual men I have ever met in my life. Also, one of the best sports when I would make fun of him! (he really is an easy target) anyone who knows him that hears my impression of hi, dies laughing when they get the Arnold Schwarzenegger in person. I guess I can never show him this post. The part that I wrote about the money disturbs me a little because I feel it discredits the man he is. The man he is with my mom. The man he is with me. But, doesn't hurt, right? Either way, their lives changed in the last few years that doesn't put them in the same financial situation.
7-17yrs. Turmoil. Here's what I think happened. :::breathes::: lol. I think I have to mention I have scenes from this period in my life flashing in my head and its scary. I think everything else was easy, breezy, beautiful cover girl to write except for this. Do you notice the stalling? /sigh.... ( 2 minutes have passed and I am still staring at the cursor) I went to the bathroom and stood next to my Chinese, bad tempered co-worker and danced next to him so I didn't have to come back to this. OK, FINE! No time like the present! I think lets break it down year by year. or incident by incident. I was a very happy, weird little Nicole. I had a HUGE imagination and a desperate need for attention and friends. I think because of this I would invent these stories GRAND GRAND stories to impress people. I stumbled awkwardly through adolescence and as I got hurt by people and situations the more bitter and hurt I became. I've been told it probably stems from a father issue. I was actually told this by someone who read my cards not like an ACTUAL psychological evaluation. I think its true though. My dad didn't mean to not be there, he just chose his wife and her ways over me. Period. What would he do? So, that need for acceptance turned into promiscuity and rebellion so on and so forth. No need for details. (really)
So, my mom, dad, stepfather and "stepmother" ( I use that word loosely) UNITED and sent me to a "theraputic boarding center" called Three Springs. Paint Rock Valley, Alamaba. (I know) I wasnt even that bad. I got MUCH WORSE when I left! Well, Actually, I'm lying they first sent me to a 21 day outdoor wilderness program called SUWS then found my diary which I had CLERVERLY hidden under a pile of papers inside a drawer. (smart, What do you expect I was 15) Anyways, so from there is was three springs. I was forcedto pick a topic a point of concern or an issue I was there for and spill my guts on a nightly basis. VERY theraputic. I think, if not for that time. I would never have known what internal silence was (I want that silence back).
Anyways, so I busted out of the clink (lol) and came home a year and a half later, Junior year at a private catholic school. I was different but, not without issues. I skipped a WHOLE story line about how much the school I was in before affected me. It was a downfall. I wouldn't want anyone to go through what I went through at that school. WOW.
So now here we are... I realized that If I kept writting it would be for days and days and DAYS and god knows I love talking about myself. ( I really do)
thanks Possie. This will bode very well for me.... Bear, I didnt know you did this but, you were the extra push.
I AM ON THIS NOW.
Welcome to me.
I assure you, while I am rather colorful human being. I am not that interesting. Well at least not to myself. I LIVE in my life. But, I can say that I know alot of people that would desperately want to read all about me and how I think. I for the most part like to keep alot of me locked up. For this reason, I am not showing this shit to anyone but, a few special specials who I feel can afford to read this and not judge/share with others. Let me start by saying I don't quite know when I decided to start finding myself. I think I spent like 98.999% of my young adulthood completely masking my true identity. I actually feel as if I was living someone elses life. So much bullshit! I am now 24. I think the path to self realization and self discovery started at literally 14 yrs old. I cant say that I knew EXACTLY what I was discovering but, I knew I was headed somewhere.
What a good place to start. Wow, this is easier than I thought. Wait, maybe its actually going to be alot harder. I feel a compulsion to write now. :::Cracks Fingers::: Here we go.....
I think it all REALLY started as a little girl... No, I'm kidding. I wont do that to you guys. But, ill give you the short and dirty. (juicier (is jucier a word. Juicier?) that way)
So, Quick breakdown and timeline
3yrs-parents divorced (Dont remember a damn thing about them but, that my mom told me that Papi would be staying at abuelitas) (oh, I'm Cuban)
7yrs- I Met Michael (stepfather) a man that will forever change my life in the coming years and I didn't even see it coming. A wonderful man that my mom was lucky enough to meet. The kind of love story that only exists between prince and princess frogs and mighty white steads! He came from Romania, Belgium, France, Israel and EVERYWHERE. Orthodox jew (my mom converted, of course, even though she came from a completely ROMAN CATHOLIC family and spent thrity years of her life as a devout catholic with caja china roast pork and Christmas trees and egg nog. I think Christmas was hard for her to give up. REALLY hard. Anyway, Back to mike. (I have ALOT to say about my mom, BELIEVE ME) so he came from these countries, with MONEY. Lot's and lot's of money. What is best of my stepfather was not that he came with money. As a child, I guess that mattered and I define "child" all the way to 20yrs old. What makes micheal so great is his heart. He QUICKLY became my dad. My silly foreign, loving dad. One of the most intellectual men I have ever met in my life. Also, one of the best sports when I would make fun of him! (he really is an easy target) anyone who knows him that hears my impression of hi, dies laughing when they get the Arnold Schwarzenegger in person. I guess I can never show him this post. The part that I wrote about the money disturbs me a little because I feel it discredits the man he is. The man he is with my mom. The man he is with me. But, doesn't hurt, right? Either way, their lives changed in the last few years that doesn't put them in the same financial situation.
7-17yrs. Turmoil. Here's what I think happened. :::breathes::: lol. I think I have to mention I have scenes from this period in my life flashing in my head and its scary. I think everything else was easy, breezy, beautiful cover girl to write except for this. Do you notice the stalling? /sigh.... ( 2 minutes have passed and I am still staring at the cursor) I went to the bathroom and stood next to my Chinese, bad tempered co-worker and danced next to him so I didn't have to come back to this. OK, FINE! No time like the present! I think lets break it down year by year. or incident by incident. I was a very happy, weird little Nicole. I had a HUGE imagination and a desperate need for attention and friends. I think because of this I would invent these stories GRAND GRAND stories to impress people. I stumbled awkwardly through adolescence and as I got hurt by people and situations the more bitter and hurt I became. I've been told it probably stems from a father issue. I was actually told this by someone who read my cards not like an ACTUAL psychological evaluation. I think its true though. My dad didn't mean to not be there, he just chose his wife and her ways over me. Period. What would he do? So, that need for acceptance turned into promiscuity and rebellion so on and so forth. No need for details. (really)
So, my mom, dad, stepfather and "stepmother" ( I use that word loosely) UNITED and sent me to a "theraputic boarding center" called Three Springs. Paint Rock Valley, Alamaba. (I know) I wasnt even that bad. I got MUCH WORSE when I left! Well, Actually, I'm lying they first sent me to a 21 day outdoor wilderness program called SUWS then found my diary which I had CLERVERLY hidden under a pile of papers inside a drawer. (smart, What do you expect I was 15) Anyways, so from there is was three springs. I was forcedto pick a topic a point of concern or an issue I was there for and spill my guts on a nightly basis. VERY theraputic. I think, if not for that time. I would never have known what internal silence was (I want that silence back).
Anyways, so I busted out of the clink (lol) and came home a year and a half later, Junior year at a private catholic school. I was different but, not without issues. I skipped a WHOLE story line about how much the school I was in before affected me. It was a downfall. I wouldn't want anyone to go through what I went through at that school. WOW.
So now here we are... I realized that If I kept writting it would be for days and days and DAYS and god knows I love talking about myself. ( I really do)
thanks Possie. This will bode very well for me.... Bear, I didnt know you did this but, you were the extra push.
I AM ON THIS NOW.
Welcome to me.
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