Its been a while

I have a thing with blogging I realized. I cant be like jossie. Shes so open and free with her witting. She seems like she has nothing to hide. I start to write and then more than I want to come out stats to ooze. It must stay in! LOL.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Let me start. I am in love. Truly and Officially. What an uphill battle. FINALLY, I see the landscape. Tragic hill I was looking at. Another Tragic hill is what I kept thinking. Something clicked, December 24, 12:01 am- Its not tragic at all, its really pretty glorious. I looked at him and he looked at me and in that moment, after EVERYTHING, it clicked. Something you see in movies. Litterally, CLICKED. I dont want to write this next sentecne because it sounds to corny to be real, after all, im not in a movie, Ill write it anyway, our souls spoke. I havent felt like this in I cant even tell you how long. Its almost scary. I can HONESTLY say, I am in love. Stupidly and ridiculously in love, with HIM. It was feeling forced until it finally clicked. I was feeling that we would end before we started. Its amazing what energy can do. He's out of his roomates. We fought in that space, we fought in a way that was almost forced on us by unbalanced energy. I am not crazy, I know it sounds a bit insane to think ENERGY has anything to do with it but, I really believe when someone has it set in their mind for two people to fail and thats the thought that overtakes the space. Thats the energy that space is going to harbor. We would leave the space and we would be in love. I dont know. Its really beautiful for now. Needless to say you wish that the feeling lasts forever. Why cant it? Why cant there be movie love? WHY DO PEOPLE NOT BELIEVE! I think I have him figured out. I think he went from tragic romance to tragic romance. Each time he fell, he fell hard and depended on only himself to get up. He then gave up on the idea that a woman, in his life, besides his close friends, could be more to him, without the ultimate failure. WHY... It doesnt have to be that way. I hear him talk to me. I see him feel. I see him doubt that there could be someone who could be both a love and a friend, a best friend, someone that he could trust and be EVERYTHING. Its human to scar and rebuild in your own way, your life. If you get burned, dont touch the fire, fuck the fire. I wont tell him I wont hurt him, I wont tell him, I wont leave, I wont tell him, I am there. I know one day, he will know. He will know what I am. We started hanging out, going out to peoples houses hanging out with friends, like it should be. We have SUCH A GOOD TIME! He is JUST LIKE ME! He makes me laugh and I know how to calm him down. wicked little temper he has. Wicked Wicked rage. Its blinding. but, so much passion. so much he doesnt say, I already know. I am so in love with him. I feel like I am 14. I dont want to say this but, I feel like I haven't loved someone in years. I didnt love Rudy. I really didnt. maybe I cared alot. but, I didnt feel this. He wasnt the right fit. Emanuel and I, for right now, fit. Doesnt mean I am not terrified of him. I am absolutely terrified of him. He can write me off with the swiftness of the wind. He doesnt let you in all the way. I know he wont allow one more person to hurt him. He WILL NOT. I can see it immediately. He has told me a million times. I wrote about him before really knowing him, I assumed alot about him because I didnt understand. I think he lost faith in love a LONG time ago. I didnt. I know it exists. I think he feels he has had a string of LONG bad relationships which, in the end, dont work, girls dont work, love isnt what they write about. If it isnt what they write about then, why did they write it. Because they didnt feel it? Of course they DID! Thats why they wrote it! Tragic Romeo and Tragic Juliette, so much love. My parents. So much love. I know its there. It always takes two. It awlays takes remembering that the person thats there for the bad, is always there for the good too. I wonder one day when he starts to feel better will he bring me with him? I am with him now, no matter what. He sees it. I wonder what i saw in him that kept me around for so long when it took him SO long to let me in... He said it yesterday "it takes me a while" I need to stop being so corny all the time. I keep telling him I LOVE YOU.. litterally every five minutes. I love him. Its amazing. I am happy I stuck out the crap. I REALLY AM. Please, please dont hurt me. because you know you REALLY CAN....

I hope he doesn't remember or get curious about this blog. I hope he forgot its existence. Last night I moved him from his piece of shit roommates apartment to his old room. his piece of shit roomate really hated me... He hated everything about me... He hated how we started and now he thinks I am the one who tore his friend away from him. Piece of shit.

So.... Christmas is 12 working days away and I am FREAKED without presents!!! luckily last year I bought a bunch of presents for family I never saw so I am going to RE GIFT those. I don't even have the motivation to make a xmas list of my own. Although STUFF always makes me feel better when I am BLUE... Yes I am BLUE as blue as they get..I am getting really frustrated with certain circumstances that make me believe what I always have. People are never really real. You cant just have a relationship with one person and keep it that way... Other people always get in the way and 90% of the time people cant separate the two. I never mix peoples opinions or situations with my own situation or scenario. If my experience is positive with someone REGARDLESS of what someone else tells me or what they are personally going through I could give a fuck. I value people more than that....Whatever, It always happens. That's all I can really say. I just always think that some relationships should outweigh others... I have always cared just a little more about people than they care about me... Generally people are circumstantial... whats in front of their face is what they take at value.. Never thinking of what someone else may go through.. I hate that I give a fuck... I REALLY DO.... Why cant I just be shallow?
Seems to work for everything else!!!! Never been in me... I am easily brusied by others... theres always two sides... ALWAYS... People only want to know or hear what they want.

CADAVER PEN!!!

Im really excited... I now have a plastic surgeons skin marker... I think it may be used (accoording to the source of the pen)... lets hope the surgeon hasnt done any penile enlargments or vaginaectomys and we will be fine...

This pen makes me happy. I wrote my self a note.
HI SELF...
Its on my hand... It will be there for DAYS I am sure... I will probably play doctor and mark myself up for pre-op....
YAY!!!

Sadness...

I havent blogged because I have been scared. Litterally ashamed of what I have been going through that I dont want to share it with anyone... Isnt that sad...? I just want to say that I am deeply hurt by a situation that I thought could/would not happen... sometimes I want to know what I DO to deserve ceratin things.... They always say the people you love the most are the ones that can do the most damage... I know its true... Its actually a VERY obvious statment... :( Ill be okay... I always am... Im like a little sugar ant who eats to much suagr and runs around... I want to stand outside and run around and stick my tounge out and pretend I am catching snowflakes like a moron... that would make me happy... A lot of things would make me happy but, I just want one thing to make me happy... It was working until now.... listen here ONE THING.... I am special.... It is christmas... WISEN UP!

Theres only one me and I am pretty damn special! Not like ride the short bus special but, like one of a kind emerald kind of special....

Christmas is going to be good if its the last thing I do!!!! I really miss having a fun, spirited christmas... THIS YEAR WONT PASS ME BY!!!! I shouldbe had an extravaganza....

I had such fun last year...

Possie I desperately wanted a photo of you but, as you know...VINER SCHNITZEL LA DOUCHE FACE is in all of them

Emanuel and Christmas!!!!

FRIDAY IS CHRISTMAS DECORATION DAY!!!!

Emanuel and I will be christmas decorating at my house. I don't have the large bank account I wish I did for this endeavor but, I know it will be SO FUN. Emanuel and I will begin by picking a tree and lights and CHRISTMAS BALLS!!!!! and LIGHTS and FUN and COCOA!!!! SO FUN! I love christmas! I cant possibly be more excited. Emanuel's mom appafrently has a house full of christmas decorations and I am quite possibly meeting her soon and I think I am most excited about his house decorations!!!!! (well I am a little nervous) I am so excited about Emanuels present too. He already figured out what I was getting him. By "figured out", I mean I flat out told him. I am really excited for him! I am more excited about the other stuff I am getting him which he has no idea about :) YAY CHRISTMAS. This will be a good christmas.

Chi Wong's Wisdom

"People facing death don't think about what degrees they have earned, what positions they have held, or how much wealth they have accumulated. At the end, what really matters is whom you love and who loved you."
- Bernadine Healy, MD

Anyone who knows CHI WONG is special. I dont know why I feel like writting about CHI but, I do! The quote above is a CHI WONG quote. CHI WONG is a Tai Chi master, dvorak typing, rod stewart loving, HALO frequenting, tango dancing, palm reading, pompus, stubborn anti-authority, know it all chinese prodigy.

Sums him up?

Little CHI. Your chinese eyes stare at me while I am at my desk. I once thought you were a serial killer because your "name" is Ivan.

My Emanuel

Emanuel.

lol. Makes me laugh every time I say it. Such a sweet, stubborn, sexy man. We met in a VERY twisted, weird way. Something they could write the beginning of a movie on. REALLY funny. I was filled with pure B.S. by a "friend" right off the bat. the things she said about him piss me off and I KNOW piss him off even more. Generally, when you meet someone its so easy to be with them in the beginning. SO EASY, usually. It's that love at first sight-can't get enough-I WANT YOU EVERYDAY- type of deal. Emanuel was VERY DIFFERENT. VERY VERY different. He had alot of history, history that had nothing to do with me. He had things in his life that really didn't make much room for a ME. I, OBVIOUSLY knew none of this nor did he tell me. Why should he?EMANUEL made it VERY hard for me in the beginning. He knew what he wanted and he told me EVERY TIME HE COULD. Normally, I would think anyone else would have seen that he didn't want much, although he liked me ( i know he did) he was interested in other things. A girlfriend, especially one like me wasn't at the top of the list. Again, I knew NONE of this. I can say he never led me on. (well a little) But, it wasn't something he didnt have complete control of. He's smart with his way (I'm smarter with mine lol.). In the beginning, as I was learning about him and learning from him there were things that threw me way off. We didnt initially spend alot of time together. He always told me, THATS THE WAY IT IS (bullshit). He was stuuubbooorrrrnn... I think that alot of it was him keeping me at a safe distance. VERY safe for him. He had alot on his life, who knows what I would be to him at that time, if anything. One thing I learned about EMANUEL that might explain alot of the beginning angst is that he has a sorted history with alot of people. mainly, past relationships. Not your run of the mill NORMAL relationships where you meet someone-date them, Love them, doesn't work out move on. No he has a YEARS long history. (always worries me where I fit in) So when he met me. FRESH-never knew me before, he didn't take it seriously. I was always good to him. Always am. its funny what a place he has. He has SUCH a huge heart to those he lest see it. HUGE. He cares so much about his friends. He can be a little selfish and impatient but, like I said before that's him and as he has ALWAYStold me. You take me as I am. If I could say the same thing to half the people I come in contact with i'd probably feel alot better about alot of things. I always feel responsible for upsetting people or doing things for others. That's a lesson you can learn from my Emanuel. It's funny. You read this and you say to your self, What did you see in sticking around, why did you stay if his mind was everywhere else? He has since told me that I was a chance he took (thankfully it worked out)

I didn't know ANY OF IT, I always thought it was just HIM. All that I was going through with his was just HIM.(it wasn't) I thought maybe it wont "happen". To Emanuel you have to be REALLY special to REALLY know him. Thank god I do. Hes truly amazing. He makes me laugh and loves me (finally) like I do him. He made it so hard to get to know him. I just knew with all the people he surrounded himself with who ABSOLUTELY love him. There's a reason why they would take a bullet for him. I know why. Theres no DOUBT why its so easy to love him. It took him sometime to know, I was ok. He has a HUGE support of love around him. I saw that RIGHT AWAY. So easy to see why, you just have to be patient. VERY VERY patient. He's such a good guy. I can't possibly do that heart of his any justice in words. I knew all along he would fall for me. Its not hard. I am Pretty AWESOME myself! lol.

He started to cave for me in October ( I met him in June). He had things get a little complicated and I was there for him NO QUESTION. There won't ever be a question as to why, when and how I will be there for him (as long as he is there for me as now he has been) . He made his mistakes with me, he did. He knows it. I know it. We move on. It stings but, we move on because like he said and I said. That was then, this is now. Plus, he knows- Nicole KNOWS ALL ALWAYS :) lol.

Now, after ALL THAT. It's so good. He does things from time to time, I want to ring his neck. LITERALLY but, he knows he has a good thing in me and I in him. He doesnt have to EVER change who he is, I accept him and because of that I think he makes ALLOWANCES in what he does or how he does them (he doesnt change but, he tries, for me to do things just a little different and that works, REALLY well).

It feels like doing things backwards-like we did, may work to our benefit in the end. I know I see him EVERYDAY. It's funny, I can't wait to get to him today and eat yesterdays left over sushi! I want to make a mess of paint too then fall asleep in his bed while he plays wow! (lame I know but, I wouldn't have it any other way)

I was in the car and he asked me a question... See if you can figure it out by my answer.

I do because of everything you are in everyway you can be. You're amazing.

Love you Emanuel.