Hello world, are you ready?!?!

I have given in. Here I am. How do I begin? I feel like I am at a (virtual)AA meeting. Hi, I am nicole, I am NOT an alcoholic. I guess than it wouldn't really be an AA meeting it would be a BS meeting. Come read my B.S.

I assure you, while I am rather colorful human being. I am not that interesting. Well at least not to myself. I LIVE in my life. But, I can say that I know alot of people that would desperately want to read all about me and how I think. I for the most part like to keep alot of me locked up. For this reason, I am not showing this shit to anyone but, a few special specials who I feel can afford to read this and not judge/share with others. Let me start by saying I don't quite know when I decided to start finding myself. I think I spent like 98.999% of my young adulthood completely masking my true identity. I actually feel as if I was living someone elses life. So much bullshit! I am now 24. I think the path to self realization and self discovery started at literally 14 yrs old. I cant say that I knew EXACTLY what I was discovering but, I knew I was headed somewhere.
What a good place to start. Wow, this is easier than I thought. Wait, maybe its actually going to be alot harder. I feel a compulsion to write now. :::Cracks Fingers::: Here we go.....

I think it all REALLY started as a little girl... No, I'm kidding. I wont do that to you guys. But, ill give you the short and dirty. (juicier (is jucier a word. Juicier?) that way)

So, Quick breakdown and timeline

3yrs-parents divorced (Dont remember a damn thing about them but, that my mom told me that Papi would be staying at abuelitas) (oh, I'm Cuban)

7yrs- I Met Michael (stepfather) a man that will forever change my life in the coming years and I didn't even see it coming. A wonderful man that my mom was lucky enough to meet. The kind of love story that only exists between prince and princess frogs and mighty white steads! He came from Romania, Belgium, France, Israel and EVERYWHERE. Orthodox jew (my mom converted, of course, even though she came from a completely ROMAN CATHOLIC family and spent thrity years of her life as a devout catholic with caja china roast pork and Christmas trees and egg nog. I think Christmas was hard for her to give up. REALLY hard. Anyway, Back to mike. (I have ALOT to say about my mom, BELIEVE ME) so he came from these countries, with MONEY. Lot's and lot's of money. What is best of my stepfather was not that he came with money. As a child, I guess that mattered and I define "child" all the way to 20yrs old. What makes micheal so great is his heart. He QUICKLY became my dad. My silly foreign, loving dad. One of the most intellectual men I have ever met in my life. Also, one of the best sports when I would make fun of him! (he really is an easy target) anyone who knows him that hears my impression of hi, dies laughing when they get the Arnold Schwarzenegger in person. I guess I can never show him this post. The part that I wrote about the money disturbs me a little because I feel it discredits the man he is. The man he is with my mom. The man he is with me. But, doesn't hurt, right? Either way, their lives changed in the last few years that doesn't put them in the same financial situation.

7-17yrs. Turmoil. Here's what I think happened. :::breathes::: lol. I think I have to mention I have scenes from this period in my life flashing in my head and its scary. I think everything else was easy, breezy, beautiful cover girl to write except for this. Do you notice the stalling? /sigh.... ( 2 minutes have passed and I am still staring at the cursor) I went to the bathroom and stood next to my Chinese, bad tempered co-worker and danced next to him so I didn't have to come back to this. OK, FINE! No time like the present! I think lets break it down year by year. or incident by incident. I was a very happy, weird little Nicole. I had a HUGE imagination and a desperate need for attention and friends. I think because of this I would invent these stories GRAND GRAND stories to impress people. I stumbled awkwardly through adolescence and as I got hurt by people and situations the more bitter and hurt I became. I've been told it probably stems from a father issue. I was actually told this by someone who read my cards not like an ACTUAL psychological evaluation. I think its true though. My dad didn't mean to not be there, he just chose his wife and her ways over me. Period. What would he do? So, that need for acceptance turned into promiscuity and rebellion so on and so forth. No need for details. (really)
So, my mom, dad, stepfather and "stepmother" ( I use that word loosely) UNITED and sent me to a "theraputic boarding center" called Three Springs. Paint Rock Valley, Alamaba. (I know) I wasnt even that bad. I got MUCH WORSE when I left! Well, Actually, I'm lying they first sent me to a 21 day outdoor wilderness program called SUWS then found my diary which I had CLERVERLY hidden under a pile of papers inside a drawer. (smart, What do you expect I was 15) Anyways, so from there is was three springs. I was forcedto pick a topic a point of concern or an issue I was there for and spill my guts on a nightly basis. VERY theraputic. I think, if not for that time. I would never have known what internal silence was (I want that silence back).
Anyways, so I busted out of the clink (lol) and came home a year and a half later, Junior year at a private catholic school. I was different but, not without issues. I skipped a WHOLE story line about how much the school I was in before affected me. It was a downfall. I wouldn't want anyone to go through what I went through at that school. WOW.

So now here we are... I realized that If I kept writting it would be for days and days and DAYS and god knows I love talking about myself. ( I really do)
thanks Possie. This will bode very well for me.... Bear, I didnt know you did this but, you were the extra push.
I AM ON THIS NOW.

Welcome to me.