Its been a while

I have a thing with blogging I realized. I cant be like jossie. Shes so open and free with her witting. She seems like she has nothing to hide. I start to write and then more than I want to come out stats to ooze. It must stay in! LOL.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Let me start. I am in love. Truly and Officially. What an uphill battle. FINALLY, I see the landscape. Tragic hill I was looking at. Another Tragic hill is what I kept thinking. Something clicked, December 24, 12:01 am- Its not tragic at all, its really pretty glorious. I looked at him and he looked at me and in that moment, after EVERYTHING, it clicked. Something you see in movies. Litterally, CLICKED. I dont want to write this next sentecne because it sounds to corny to be real, after all, im not in a movie, Ill write it anyway, our souls spoke. I havent felt like this in I cant even tell you how long. Its almost scary. I can HONESTLY say, I am in love. Stupidly and ridiculously in love, with HIM. It was feeling forced until it finally clicked. I was feeling that we would end before we started. Its amazing what energy can do. He's out of his roomates. We fought in that space, we fought in a way that was almost forced on us by unbalanced energy. I am not crazy, I know it sounds a bit insane to think ENERGY has anything to do with it but, I really believe when someone has it set in their mind for two people to fail and thats the thought that overtakes the space. Thats the energy that space is going to harbor. We would leave the space and we would be in love. I dont know. Its really beautiful for now. Needless to say you wish that the feeling lasts forever. Why cant it? Why cant there be movie love? WHY DO PEOPLE NOT BELIEVE! I think I have him figured out. I think he went from tragic romance to tragic romance. Each time he fell, he fell hard and depended on only himself to get up. He then gave up on the idea that a woman, in his life, besides his close friends, could be more to him, without the ultimate failure. WHY... It doesnt have to be that way. I hear him talk to me. I see him feel. I see him doubt that there could be someone who could be both a love and a friend, a best friend, someone that he could trust and be EVERYTHING. Its human to scar and rebuild in your own way, your life. If you get burned, dont touch the fire, fuck the fire. I wont tell him I wont hurt him, I wont tell him, I wont leave, I wont tell him, I am there. I know one day, he will know. He will know what I am. We started hanging out, going out to peoples houses hanging out with friends, like it should be. We have SUCH A GOOD TIME! He is JUST LIKE ME! He makes me laugh and I know how to calm him down. wicked little temper he has. Wicked Wicked rage. Its blinding. but, so much passion. so much he doesnt say, I already know. I am so in love with him. I feel like I am 14. I dont want to say this but, I feel like I haven't loved someone in years. I didnt love Rudy. I really didnt. maybe I cared alot. but, I didnt feel this. He wasnt the right fit. Emanuel and I, for right now, fit. Doesnt mean I am not terrified of him. I am absolutely terrified of him. He can write me off with the swiftness of the wind. He doesnt let you in all the way. I know he wont allow one more person to hurt him. He WILL NOT. I can see it immediately. He has told me a million times. I wrote about him before really knowing him, I assumed alot about him because I didnt understand. I think he lost faith in love a LONG time ago. I didnt. I know it exists. I think he feels he has had a string of LONG bad relationships which, in the end, dont work, girls dont work, love isnt what they write about. If it isnt what they write about then, why did they write it. Because they didnt feel it? Of course they DID! Thats why they wrote it! Tragic Romeo and Tragic Juliette, so much love. My parents. So much love. I know its there. It always takes two. It awlays takes remembering that the person thats there for the bad, is always there for the good too. I wonder one day when he starts to feel better will he bring me with him? I am with him now, no matter what. He sees it. I wonder what i saw in him that kept me around for so long when it took him SO long to let me in... He said it yesterday "it takes me a while" I need to stop being so corny all the time. I keep telling him I LOVE YOU.. litterally every five minutes. I love him. Its amazing. I am happy I stuck out the crap. I REALLY AM. Please, please dont hurt me. because you know you REALLY CAN....

I hope he doesn't remember or get curious about this blog. I hope he forgot its existence. Last night I moved him from his piece of shit roommates apartment to his old room. his piece of shit roomate really hated me... He hated everything about me... He hated how we started and now he thinks I am the one who tore his friend away from him. Piece of shit.